A year into sobriety, I was less easily triggered and moved in with a friend who kept bottles of wine in the house. I didn’t ask her to remove them; I had enough discipline and trust in myself at that point. I’d lost any lingering embarrassment over being someone in recovery. My now-husband must’ve taken the news in stride; otherwise, I’m sure I would recall that marriage changes after sobriety first sobriety conversation better. Having a conversation with a partner about complex subjects may feel daunting.
So I drank.
For example, up to half of people with substance use disorder have also experienced symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Making the decision to get sober is life changing, and when your spouse still drinks, it’s also relationship changing. When your spouse does things that incite an urge to drink, make a note of those things and come up with a plan.
Interview with Chantal Jauvin, author “Love Without Martinis.”
- And the longer I stayed, the more I lost my grip on everything.
- As much as you might want to get back to your normal life, you have to accept that it won’t happen overnight.
- Understand that rebuilding your marriage will be a long and challenging process, and keep your expectations reasonable.
- The Underdog addict is self-centered and irresponsible, and feels vulnerable, needy, and loved only when receiving.
- Of course, we still had to pay for my husband’s drinks, but that’s the rub.
It may also serve to open the lines of communication damaged by months or years of anger and hurt. Being able to confront the hurt and anger does not mean your marriage is over. In fact, once these issues are addressed and worked through, you may be able to create a new marriage. If you or your spouse are in recovery, you may hope to go back to the way things were before.
Married to an Addict in Recovery? You’re Not Alone
Codependency can continue to affect marriages even after your partner has become sober. If the partner living with SUD hasn’t found healthy ways to cope with the trauma or PTSD, then it could begin to affect them in negative ways. By setting the right expectations and considering treatment for yourself, you can overcome addiction together with your partner. We were also forced to dig deep and state our feelings clearly, including why some things rubbed me the wrong way. It was one of the best things that happened in building our relationship.
- If you’re reading this, it’s likely because your spouse is struggling with addiction.
- That said, there are some simple things you can do to support your partner, streamline their recovery, and strengthen your relationship.
- Yes, there are going to be some difficult conversations, fights, and emotions you don’t know how to tactfully articulate.
In a marriage, recognizing the signs of AUD can be a life-changing step toward recovery. However, it’s also essential to differentiate AUD from other forms of alcohol use, such as social or binge drinking. In couples and family counseling I am often asked, “What do I have to be careful not to do or say? I don’t want to push them back to drinking/drugging.” I’m quick to point out that affected others are not that powerful and that accountability doesn’t work that way. The recovering addict needs to focus on sobriety and may not always be able to prioritize the relationship, and his or her spouse must understand this. Of course, the addict’s ability to maintain sobriety will be essential to your ability to maintain the marriage as well.
- Looking back, I can honestly see how helpful my sobriety has been in fostering our communication, forcing us to have some serious conversations early on.
- Over the past several years of being alcohol-free, Royle has founded a non-alcoholic beverage business and married her partner.
- After years of going backwards once I stopped drinking, we are making progress and recovering our marriage.
- Though I did not doubt that we loved each other, the chaos of addiction had eroded our trust in each other, and my life no longer felt my own.
Blind to the phantom of addiction I was battling, I threw my executive skills at him. Analyzing his behavior, formulating a plan to save our relationship, and Sober living home executing my strategy, all to no avail. It was exhausting and a perfect recipe for further enmeshment.
Find Sober Fun
- A great way to support them in their recovery is to be proactive and research fun sober activities that you can enjoy together.
- The pitfalls for the affected other (people affected by a loved one’s drinking or drugging) are many.
- Addictive behaviors can tear the fabric of any relationship.
Codependent partners typically enable their loved ones, make excuses for their partner’s actions, and feel like a martyr. When they are newly sober, it’s important for you to put yourself first just as they are putting their recovery first. Take time to exercise, be with friends and family, and pursue your hobbies.
Put Your Feelings in Writing
I don’t think my husband and I ever really knew each other until I got sober. My pregnancy added an additional challenge to the recovery process. Although many people recover from SUD every day, recovery is often a long and complex process. Your partner may relapse one or more times before finally achieving long-term sobriety. Even if your partner stops using drugs and alcohol, if the codependency itself isn’t addressed, this dynamic will continue to affect the relationship.
Healthy Ways to Move Forward With Sobriety and Relationships
That way you can help them to avoid them where possible and recognize times when they may need additional support from you. Confronting alcoholism is a challenging process both for those abusing alcohol and their loved ones. As the partner of someone in recovery, it can be confusing and overwhelming. Perhaps you have just discovered that the person you love has a problem with alcohol and needs your help. The easiest path may be to sink back into the same hobbies and habits you and your spouse enjoyed before, but it’s important to realize that those might be different now.